


1*denial

by Anonymous



Series: in the dark and through the smoke [1]
Category: ONEUS (Band)
Genre: Denial, Five Stages of Grief, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Minor Character Death, it isn't dongju or anyone from oneus dw, its NOT dongmyeong he's fine, the death is of an unnamed character, the focus is on the response to the death not the death itself, well this is One of the stages
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:49:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26580922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Dongju realises he's in denial.He knows he is, but he doesn'tknow.part 1 of 5 of a projection-vent-study on grief and coping.
Series: in the dark and through the smoke [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1933468
Kudos: 6
Collections: Anonymous





	1*denial

Dongju feels numb- doesn’t really _feel_ much of anything. Sits in the car staring out the window with nothing but white noise and static filling his ears and stuffing his head, like fuzz filling a hollow space. It doesn’t feel quite real yet, his mind wanders naturally, he still thinks as he usually does - perhaps he’s still in a state of shock, or it hasn’t hit him yet, or his object permanence is so messed up that because he hasn’t seen it with his own eyes yet that must mean it isn’t real. It hasn’t happened. If he avoids it, prolongs his journey to the hospital, perhaps he can blink and wake up from this dream- this nightmare. 

His phone is heavy in his hand, warm from use and how tightly he grips it. He keeps his gaze firmly on the world outside, earphones plugged in and the music just feels like background noise. He isn’t ignoring it, but he isn’t listening. He’s just numb, senses dulled, just staring for the sake of it without processing anything he sees. 

Maybe he’s just tired, still a little sleep deprived, yeah maybe that’s it (of course it isn’t). Maybe if he falls asleep then he’ll wake up properly (of course he won’t). Maybe he’s just coping with this better than he expected (of course he later finds out that no, no he isn’t). 

He should be crying - what’s wrong with him. (It isn’t real yet, isn’t real, isn’t real, hasn’t happened, nothing’s wrong, nothing has happened, everything is still normal, normal, normal.) He can pretend, can keep on living like this - his head in the clouds, music flowing into his ears, the whole world outside waiting to be explored, the hum of the car whenever they stop at a light. He can pretend, can forget the phone call he had gotten earlier, can forget where it is he’s being taken to, can forget the sound of the crying voice that was on the other end of the line. 

Dongju realises he’s in denial. He’s aware of it, he knows he’s avoiding thinking about what’s happened, avoiding coming to terms with what that means for him and for his life and for his family. But he’s aware of it in much the same way that one is aware of a stone on the side of the pavement, the way one is aware of everything in their periphery and just out of reach, the way one knows that someone is still around even if unperceived. He knows he’s in denial, but he doesn’t _know._

Be prepared, he had been told, they wanted him to be prepared if the worst were to happen. Well, he’s not sure he’ll ever be prepared but he feels prepared _enough._ (Oh what a fool he is, to have confused the numbness of his state of shock and equated it with being prepared. Because no, no he isn’t, he isn’t prepared, could never have been prepared.) But everything is fine right now, right now it’s all fine, everything is fine. 

The car is real. The road outside is real. The buildings they pass are real. But he’s still floating, his mind a million kilometres away and flying higher, higher, higher, out of sight. He can forget why he’s going where he’s going, he can forget the true gravity of the situation threatening to pull him back down, to send him falling, falling, falling, back to reality and back to the raw truth that he knows sits inside his chest. He can still forget, because they aren’t there yet, they haven’t reached the emergency room, it’s okay, it’s okay, he’s okay, he can still pretend. Pretend that everything is fine, pretend that this is a regular car ride, pretend that they’re not going anywhere special, pretend, pretend, pretend- _deny, deny, deny, deny, deny, deny, keep denying, don’t think about it Dongju, nothing is wrong, it’s fine, out of sight out of mind, right? Deny, deny, deny._

He can pretend that there is a light at the end of this tunnel, that there is still hope. He can pretend there is still a chance that everything will be okay, that the two words still swimming in his mind, anchored there and irreversible, were never uttered into his ear. He can keep pretending, until the next phone call rings out through the car’s speakers. 

_“He didn’t make it.”_

**Author's Note:**

> if you're going through a loss please reach out if you need to, there are people who love you and are here for you to support you and you shouldn't be alone while you go through this.


End file.
